I make this face, a kind of scrunched up face but it’s not my whole face, it’s my mouth that lifts up on the side, bit of my side teeth showing my nose gets a little lift on that side of the face too,
i look in the mirror and mumble to myself or talk back whatever that annoyed me with that fixed look,
like it may be a passing look but anytime i get really annoyed and feel personally aggrieved and affronted, with the episode replaying in my mind’s eye , that face is made- the tilting up of a side of my lip, flash of some side teeth showing, my nose gets an upward shove too, my lips curl up into that lopsided upward tilt, if i pass by a mirror i mumble to myself or repeat the annoying words back or the conclusion and translated meaning as per my view of the irritating words which change as the time goes by and the days run into each other, new or old occurrences add up and words are replayed reshaped respoken in that same tilt, sometimes not really spoken just internalized, running in my brain while i make that face.
It’s kind of an expressed feeling or emotion, an outlet, a recurring thought processing mechanism, replaying the effect on me, the impact, consequences, underlying meaning, varied conclusive or open-ended disentangled interpretation, unraveled minute changing perspective.
I get tortured while undergoing this phrase and always am the wronged one and the protagonist is the causative of my discomfiture.
Am deeply disturbed, restless and each passing second find myself just making up that facial expression at the same time as the scenario is repeating in a different twist or view in my mind.
I could also not be passing by a mirror, could be not near one but that upward scrunched look in the moment of annoyance, of the flashback irritation- just happens.
Sometimes i don’t even say any words i just make that scrunchy face while my brain recalls the incident that just exasperated me,
always the side lip tilting upwards, lips separated on the side of the tilt a little peek of teeth showing, side of nose follows the upward movement of the lip slightly raised upward- this happens very fast quick in an instant of a second then my face resets back to normal.
I get to go through my annoying day or a comment or incident that just got to me like this, it helps me ruminate on matters, issues that affect me, directly impact me, get me thinking or overthinking in various forms of replayed scenarios or the exact word or words that just drive me nuts, instead of climbing walls with my pierced feelings and bleeding all over others i do this.
I also find it helps me to narrow down my views on people and what they say and their underlying comments, communication that happened is suddenly fixated on a phrase that for sure resonated ugly and sat like curdled milk in my belly, left a bad taste in my mouth while travelling past and just never sat well with me.
A careless or sharp remark uttered intentionally turns into the number of times i make that tilty scrunched up side face.
It’s not a way of me to deal with anything it’s just kind of a reflex of myself ruminating over incidences and just summarizing or picking out those points that bore holes in my mind circling on auto pilot on that part that really really make me uncomfortable, stained my peace, arose a nagging disquiet in my soul, a jab at my conscience, made me question the intended/ unintended meanings.
Ever vigilant i pull apart and dismantle the conversation to shreds and as usual find the hidden part that was a mockery and an insult well placed in plain sight or behind a few words.
I noticed this usually more often than not happened with my former boss, he was a master narcissist, sadist, manipulator, egocentric, chest thumping psycho maniac, he blew his own horn every chance he got, we got tinnitus, he just was the own devil’s spawn, the most annoying creature av ever met, short of me being hanged, spending my life in jail or worst of all losing my job i had to tolerate that man.
Every time and i mean each time he opened his mouth i was left scarred, bruised, covered in shame, stripped off all human dignity and worth.
This guy’s reign of terror made me have these episodes of my annoyed side tilt scrunchy face and just repeating relieving all the hurt the dehumanizing terror he unleashed.
I just realized how often i used to get that annoyed look when he was around vis a vis when he left, as he used to bring the ugly out of me, turning me into a hardened sad version of myself, so that could be called maybe a kinda coping mechanism or a way to process my trauma and really internalize my hurt as hurt is ugly so does my face mirror it, in a way that’s only done by reflex.
In my hurt i found a way to mimic the phrases that go to me worst.
I internally or spoke out loud for me to just hear and interpret the feelings and repeated to myself the phrases which hurt me and made me feel so small insignificant and stripped of my humanity.