I have this self doubt,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a creeping feeling,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a disturbia, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
a restlessness in my soul,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a quiet doubt that arises each time, every time,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
a nagging worry that wont go away, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
a pressing reminder of my bare vulnerability and the realization that am wondering about, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
stumbling around instead of getting rooted, fixed, stabilized, serious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am faced with myself to advise, i feel like a phony, a quack, a lost circling about idiot, just one of the masses pretending to have a revelation but just feeling about as i go along blindfolded by myself and just still going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The speed of movement is alarming, am dedicating so much time, sacrifice, and continually applying myself to something i don’t know if it gets buried which is the likely outcome, seeing as well that thats what happened to its predecessors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now in my disquiet, rising panic and tormenting grief, i realize of all these invested everything is that nothing will amount to anything, no fruitage of any sort, am just rudderless, and flapping about like a well-informed fool, with an outside countenance of self-assured confidence moving about with a directionless purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My hopes are dashed and broken, i feel like am chasing the wind, moving with the current at a bottleneck and nothing will ever come out of this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Its pitiful, saddening, a pierce to my heart over and over, a rising reminder of my helpless situation, which am still pursuing like an imbecile who never learns and keeps chasing nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I well know the outcome is nada, but here i am still at it, who does this to their lives voluntarily?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why is it so hard to just decide to do an about turn now? right now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But then again do what?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Av become those people who keep flagging a dead horse, i see av hit a wall but i refuse to accept its a wall and keep backing the loosing bet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am a proper educated, wise, sincere fool who knows their shortcomings but keep at them anyways because making a U-turn hurts, its failure, it means erasing and forgetting all av ever been doing as rubbish and dumping them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is what i don’t want, since am attached to my garbage, trashing them feels wrong even to me, it gives a finality that’s more than a heartbreak of the most severe form yet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I dedicate myself to the collection of so much and creation to match the number, a mountain of sorts has formed and deciding to just trash these collections is something i just cant bring myself to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So here i am in myself looking on with this sinking disappointing feeling in my belly of just how derailed i am and exasperated with myself for not knowing just exactly what i should do or the procedure to execute in the most painless capability as possibly possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I will keep sitting, ruminating, and simmering in my unsettled seat that i willingly chose, and tamper down trying to dampen the crying out of my spirit and my mind advising me to listen, but i brush it aside as that one or many times of self doubt thats just ok,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
its not ok, i know if am being honest, i should just be brave and honest to address myself but i keep keeping it off, because i don’t know what else, <\/p>\n\n\n\n
i don’t want to forge new pathways when the one am walking on is well formed leading nowhere, i prefer it than inventing the wheel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am just digging my grave, excavating the ground am standing on, pulling the rag off my feet and am not ashamed to admit this. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I carry around this feeling, settling and weighing me down like tons of bricks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Am wrong or this is a false alarm that’s been ringing for so long, i will decide to give it a year, during this time, it’s enough to assess and properly sweep the corners, harness what i can’t get a hold of now, recalibrate, replan, rebuild, keep carrying this heavy disquiet with me and work out each and every solution i can come up with, in essence leave no stone unturned. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If by a year there will be no change and the weight weighs heavier for no palpable satisfying reason and sirens keep going off, then, i think i will need specialized attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the meantime i need to live with myself, make peace to carry my disturbia with grace and the confidence of one who knows exactly where their next foot lands and its not in a swampy quicksand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Its like watching my life slip through the cracks and i cant put a stopper because some spillage needs to happen for a containment to be realized<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The disquiet will bloom or dampen to a leveled satisfied hum and disappear or i’ll decide to hold the dragon by its head and look into its eyes once and for all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My soul in turmoil. I have this self doubt, a creeping feeling, a disturbia, a restlessness in my soul, a quiet doubt that arises each time, every time, a nagging worry that wont go away, a pressing reminder of my bare vulnerability and the realization that am wondering about, stumbling around instead of getting rooted, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":43,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,18,16,20,19],"tags":[24,22,25,23],"class_list":["post-39","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-internal-landscapes","category-life-at-the-crossroads","category-reflections","category-soul-searching","category-the-in-between","tag-existential","tag-lost","tag-purpose","tag-uncertainty"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":44,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39\/revisions\/44"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/43"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/myvoiceinwords.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}