My soul in turmoil.
I have this self doubt,
a creeping feeling,
a disturbia,
a restlessness in my soul,
a quiet doubt that arises each time, every time,
a nagging worry that wont go away,
a pressing reminder of my bare vulnerability and the realization that am wondering about,
stumbling around instead of getting rooted, fixed, stabilized, serious.
Am faced with myself to advise, i feel like a phony, a quack, a lost circling about idiot, just one of the masses pretending to have a revelation but just feeling about as i go along blindfolded by myself and just still going on.
The speed of movement is alarming, am dedicating so much time, sacrifice, and continually applying myself to something i don’t know if it gets buried which is the likely outcome, seeing as well that thats what happened to its predecessors.
Now in my disquiet, rising panic and tormenting grief, i realize of all these invested everything is that nothing will amount to anything, no fruitage of any sort, am just rudderless, and flapping about like a well-informed fool, with an outside countenance of self-assured confidence moving about with a directionless purpose.
My hopes are dashed and broken, i feel like am chasing the wind, moving with the current at a bottleneck and nothing will ever come out of this.
Its pitiful, saddening, a pierce to my heart over and over, a rising reminder of my helpless situation, which am still pursuing like an imbecile who never learns and keeps chasing nothing.
I well know the outcome is nada, but here i am still at it, who does this to their lives voluntarily?
Why is it so hard to just decide to do an about turn now? right now?
But then again do what?
Av become those people who keep flagging a dead horse, i see av hit a wall but i refuse to accept its a wall and keep backing the loosing bet.
Am a proper educated, wise, sincere fool who knows their shortcomings but keep at them anyways because making a U-turn hurts, its failure, it means erasing and forgetting all av ever been doing as rubbish and dumping them.
This is what i don’t want, since am attached to my garbage, trashing them feels wrong even to me, it gives a finality that’s more than a heartbreak of the most severe form yet.
I dedicate myself to the collection of so much and creation to match the number, a mountain of sorts has formed and deciding to just trash these collections is something i just cant bring myself to do.
So here i am in myself looking on with this sinking disappointing feeling in my belly of just how derailed i am and exasperated with myself for not knowing just exactly what i should do or the procedure to execute in the most painless capability as possibly possible.
I will keep sitting, ruminating, and simmering in my unsettled seat that i willingly chose, and tamper down trying to dampen the crying out of my spirit and my mind advising me to listen, but i brush it aside as that one or many times of self doubt thats just ok,
its not ok, i know if am being honest, i should just be brave and honest to address myself but i keep keeping it off, because i don’t know what else,
i don’t want to forge new pathways when the one am walking on is well formed leading nowhere, i prefer it than inventing the wheel.
Am just digging my grave, excavating the ground am standing on, pulling the rag off my feet and am not ashamed to admit this.
I carry around this feeling, settling and weighing me down like tons of bricks.
Am wrong or this is a false alarm that’s been ringing for so long, i will decide to give it a year, during this time, it’s enough to assess and properly sweep the corners, harness what i can’t get a hold of now, recalibrate, replan, rebuild, keep carrying this heavy disquiet with me and work out each and every solution i can come up with, in essence leave no stone unturned.
If by a year there will be no change and the weight weighs heavier for no palpable satisfying reason and sirens keep going off, then, i think i will need specialized attention.
In the meantime i need to live with myself, make peace to carry my disturbia with grace and the confidence of one who knows exactly where their next foot lands and its not in a swampy quicksand.
Its like watching my life slip through the cracks and i cant put a stopper because some spillage needs to happen for a containment to be realized
The disquiet will bloom or dampen to a leveled satisfied hum and disappear or i’ll decide to hold the dragon by its head and look into its eyes once and for all.